Garrus - Mother @#%ing Badass
First of all, let me just say that I’m aware that today’s comic uses a lot of cut and paste. There’s really no excuse for that other than I made this for my school paper last semester when I was pretty much fed up with them. You’ll get another comic tomorrow in addition to this. Secondly,
Garrus is the most awesome video game character of all time.
*SPOILERS*
You remember Garrus, right? He’s the Citadel Police Officer you met in Mass Effect 1. He was tired of the regulations and corruption in the force and joined up with your party as soon as he realized that you were a Spectre, an secret agent for the rulers of the universe that’s immune to the law. Not to mention he likes that you’re on a top secret mission to stop the destruction of the universe. That’s a man who has his priorities straight.
“Fighting a rogue Spectre with billions of lives at stake and no regulations to get in the way? Yeah, I’d say that beats C-Sec.”
During Mass Effect 1 you can have friendly chats with Garrus when the two of you are not shooting evil robots and space pirates indiscriminately. When you earn the trust of this demigod-like-turian, he tells you about how the bribe taking pansies over at C-Sec once let an organ harvester mad scientist get away because he was keeping hostages. Hostages he was going to kill later anyway. Upon hearing this, the two of you immediately take a quick detour to find where this mad scientist his hiding, see through his laughable disguise, and shoot him in the face.
In Mass Effect 2, you die for 2 years and all your old party members go their separate ways. The leader of a renegade team of mad scientists brings you back from the dead and says, “I brought you back from the dead so you can save the universe. But to do this, you also need to recruit the biggest badasses in existence.”
You promptly reply, “Do you know where my old teammates are?”
He then says, “I’ve kept tabs on all of them. Well, except for Garrus. He disappeared after you died and nobody knows where he is.”
“Well, that’s a problem. Because you didn’t follow biggest, baddest, mother #$#er of them all.”
So where did Garrus go? Did he return to the Citadel and rejoin C-Sec? Heck no. Garrus decided to go to the most corrupt planet of all time and become Batman. That’s right, Garrus decided to take up residence in the mob planet located right next to the portal to the final level and began a one man war against every mob force in existence.
The residents of the planets didn’t call him Batman though. They called him ArchAngel. Because Garrus is Jesus with a sniper rifle from outer space.
The mad scientist leader man hears about this archangel and says, “Speaking of badasses, I heard that Batman is on Omega. Well, not batman. More like Batman Jesus with a sniper rifle. You should go recruit him.”
Wasting no time you respond, “Kay.”
When you finally find Archangel, he’s finally been cornered on the other side of a bridge that can only be reached from one direction. Archangel has been there for four days straight, wide awake and shooting down any mortal foolish enough to come closer. He’s even shot down a machine-gun-wielding helicopter with a single well placed bullet. You are hired as one of the doomed waves of peons to make your way across the bridge and reach him. All of those around you are gunned down, but Garrus is unfazed by his need for sleep. He recognizes you instantly through his sniper scope and deems you worthy enough to pas. The two of you reunite and fight your way out. But not before the helicopter is repaired. Garrus promptly blocks the machine gun fire with his face and shout, “I am a beautiful animal!” as he head-butts it into oblivion.
I loved Mass Effect 2. But the games’ primary emphasis is on going around the universe and recruiting badasses and then securing their loyalty. The problem is of course Garrus is the biggest badass in the universe and he’s been loyal to you since Mass Effect 1. As such, I will no go through every character in Mass Effect 2 and explain why they are like baby bunnies with brittle bone disease when compared to Garrus.
Jack
Jack showed promise as a genuinely awesome badass, especially in the trailers. Unfortunately she didn’t measure up in the actual game. In the trailers, she’s a sadistic homicidal maniac who constantly wears a mocking grin and dances with glee in the destruction of her enemies. In the games, she’s the creepy goth girl who retreats to the basement as soon as you recruit her to listen to “I’m not okay” over and over again on her omni tool. Yeah I’ll admit that it was pretty cool when she blew up those two really tough giant robots with her mind in the beginning of her recruiting mission. But when I had her in my party and was fighting those kinds of robots just one mission later, all of a sudden she was hiding behind a chest-high-wall and firing a dinky little pistol. If you’re going to show off a characters abilities, at least make sure I can use them in the game! I can believe that Garrus could crouch in one spot and hold ground for four days straight because I was a warrior speced for sniping and I know that’s possible. But when cut scene power doesn’t measure up to in game power, I call shenanigans. I’m beginning to think that the damage done to the prison wide correctional facility during the total prison riot wasn’t entirely caused by her but also the other 999 prisoners on board. I’ll admit, she’s pretty badass. But not as badass as she was built up to be. Garrus sneaks up to you with his badassness. Like a ninja, which is also badass.
Grunt
To be honest, I kind of think that all Krogans are 99% alike in this game. Grunt is like a super smart baby Krogan in a man Krogan’s body. A man Krogan’s body that’s uncorrupted by the genophage. I’ll admit that’s pretty badass. Especially when he randomly charges at enemies in combat in order to wrassle ‘em with his bare hands. But half the other time he’s wielding a gun that’s so small on him that it just looks silly. In the end, Wrex was a bigger badass because he had better war stories about how he stabbed his own dad in the chest inside a graveyard. But I shot Wrex in the face in Mass Effect 1 because Garrus said it was a good idea. And when Garrus says it’s a good idea, you know it’s a good idea.
Miranda
All right, let’s be honest. The only reason they put Miranda in this game was because they needed an attractive human as a love interest for the guys. I mean, they say she’s a genetically engineered perfect human, right? But so what? Grunt was was genetically engineered perfect Krogan. Sure her loyalty mission was cool, but look at her skin tight outfit with those heels! Fellas, you’re playing a game about space in the future. You owe it yourself to get a alien love interest. Besides, Tali is hotter anyway.
Jacob
All right, let’s be honest. The only reason they put Jacob in this game was because they needed an attractive human as a love interest for the ladies. I mean, they say he’s an alliance war hero gone rouge? But so what? Jack was the product of a mad science experiment gone rouge. Sure his loyalty mission was cool, but look at his skin tight outfit! Ladies, you’re playing a game about space in the future. You owe it yourself to get a alien love interest. Besides, in any accurate role play a woman would swoon for Garrus at the drop of a hat.
Zaee
I never got Zaee. I’m not going to pay for extra content. Having to pay for a character is not badass, no matter how many war scars you have.
Thane
Oh don’t get me started on Thane. We’re supposed to believe that Thane is a super assassin because he’s on the box art and is able to sneak through air ducts? Psssh. Look, Magikarp. I know your perfect memory is cool and all, but the fact is you were raised to kill by jellyfish people because they were too polite to learn how to commit murder themselves. During your recruitment mission you were sneaking around. During your loyalty mission you were sneaking around. You’re just a sneaky, sneaky fish thing.
Morodin
Look, Morodin. I was actually pretty exited when I was told you could put a Salarian in the party. They’re one of my favorite races in the Mass Effect cosmology and I really enjoyed your character. I had you in my party for many missions and I’m really glad you were there. Then renegade path in your final mission gives you points, for sure.
But you’re a doctor who preforms Gilbert and Sulivan. No offense, but you’re not a badass. Or at least not as big of a badass as Garrus.
Samara
Ok, here’s the thing with Samara. She’s pretty unimpressive in the cutscenes. I mean, when you meet her she floats around for a little bit and kills one dude. Garrus kills like 8 dudes the first time you see him in this game. BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM just like that (yes Garrus kills eight people with six shots). But Samara is really useful in the game itself. Plus she’s a psychic alien Samurai.
But Garrus is a badass in both the cutscenes and the gameplay. Not to mention that Samara binds herself to rules for great justice while Garrus left C-Sec to get away from them for great justice. Point still goes to Garrus.
Morinth
Morinth. She’s badass in the cutscene fight with her mom and in combat she’s just as useful, only she has that reave ability which is friggin awesome. Not to mention that she tricks everyone on the crew into thinking that she’s her mother and this gives you an ace in the hole that the elusive man doesn’t know about.
But her primary mode of attack remains trying to absorb your main through trickery and seduction. That’s not cool. Garrus shoots you in the FACE.
Legion
Legion is not currently as badass as Garrus, but he has the potential to become more badass as the story progresses. I mean, the guy is over a thousand robot minds forced into one brain that’s stalking the main character. When you meet him he’s been held up inside the body of a Reaver for who knows how long fighting hordes of exploding space zombies. That’s a great first impression. I’ll admit, when I first heard of this character I was like “YES A GETH PARTY MEMBER.” Because you know I’m a fan of Astroboy Terminator and stuff like this is friggin awesome to me. But Garrus became batman. Whether or not Legion decides to become robot Batman, then we shall see.
Tali
Tali’s cool. She’s got a really developed backstory from an exceptionally original alien race and her character is put to good use in the story. Her kind made Legion’s race of robots that took over the universe. But, after the two years you were gone, she simply failed to become Batman. And that’s unacceptable.
Joker
Joker is a crippled man who pilots a space ship better than anyone else in the galaxy. When you think about it, he was actually the one that killed Sovereign in Mass Effect 1 by delivering the finally blow with the Normandy. In the end of Mass Effect 2 he shoots an assault rifle out of the ship Rambo style and kills 3 collectors. He’s also named after a Batman villain.
….
I’m on the fence with this one.